July 27, 2009
Do I respect my kids?
"Respect is caught by our kids more than it is directly taught to them by us. Their need and right for respect is not based on age, nor is it earned by performance or ability. While rights and privileges are earned and certainly can be lost, respecting our kids—just because they are our kids—must be a constant, a right that is never taken from them.
Respecting them, while not always easy or natural, is a fundamental necessity if we are to help our kids have a sense of their own self-worth. If we are able to respect them just because of who they are-in spite of how they act or behave-then they will be more likely to grow up with a greater knowledge of who they are and what it is they have to offer. They will also develop a greater capacity and desire to respect others as well.
Bottom line: raising great kids requires that parents show them they are respected just for being who they are.
A good question that might help in assessing the quality of respect you have for your kids is this: do I treat my best friends and my kids in a similar manner when it comes to respect?"
Ed Wimberly, author of Parenting with an Attitude....21 Questions Successful Parents Ask Themselves
Discussion Questions:
1. As a child growing up, were you respected by your parents?
2. What signs of respect do you remember from them?
3. What impact did their respect/non-respect have when you
were growing up?
4. Do you treat your best friend and your kids in a similar respectful
manner?
5. Do you agree or disagree with the idea that respect is caught
more than it is simply taught to our kids?
6. Are you succeeding at instilling in your kids a respect for
others?
7. What signs do you see that suggest that you are succeeding?
8. In what ways do you show respect to your kids?
9. In what ways do you see your kids showing respect (or disrespect)
toward others?
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Healthy marriage characteristic #3
The personality differences and characteristics that exist between each other are recognized and appreciated rather than criticized or seen as a threat.
Have you ever noticed that we humans are usually drawn to people who are most like ourselves? We are naturally more comfortable with other people whose characteristics are similar to our own and who act, think, feel and respond to life in ways that we ourselves do. I suppose there is more than a bit of truth in the Greek mythology where Narcissus, who saw his reflection in a pool of water, immediately fell in love with himself. While not always the case, often when we see another person who is a reflection of ourselves, we are drawn to them.
And so it can be in our marriage relationships, that we are drawn to, and most in love with those characteristics in our spouse that are most similar to how we see ourselves..
In healthy marriages the differences are celebrated rather than criticized. And this is possible because those differences are not seen as a threat, but rather, as differences that can help “grow” an exciting and more fulfilling relationship. Although those differences may at times create tension and difficult times of working through conflict, in the long run both recognize the value that is found in being married to someone who is their own person and not always just like they themselves are.
So the key to accomplishing this in our marriage is to see the differences that exist between our spouse and ourselves as challenges to grow by, rather than as threats to ourselves or to our relationship.
Ed Wimberly, Ph.D.
Have you ever noticed that we humans are usually drawn to people who are most like ourselves? We are naturally more comfortable with other people whose characteristics are similar to our own and who act, think, feel and respond to life in ways that we ourselves do. I suppose there is more than a bit of truth in the Greek mythology where Narcissus, who saw his reflection in a pool of water, immediately fell in love with himself. While not always the case, often when we see another person who is a reflection of ourselves, we are drawn to them.
And so it can be in our marriage relationships, that we are drawn to, and most in love with those characteristics in our spouse that are most similar to how we see ourselves..
In healthy marriages the differences are celebrated rather than criticized. And this is possible because those differences are not seen as a threat, but rather, as differences that can help “grow” an exciting and more fulfilling relationship. Although those differences may at times create tension and difficult times of working through conflict, in the long run both recognize the value that is found in being married to someone who is their own person and not always just like they themselves are.
So the key to accomplishing this in our marriage is to see the differences that exist between our spouse and ourselves as challenges to grow by, rather than as threats to ourselves or to our relationship.
Ed Wimberly, Ph.D.
A Monday morning thought for good parents who want to be better parents
“Kids who know their parents not only love them but respect them as well, are more likely to grow up showing respect toward others”
Ed Wimberly, author of Parenting with an Attitude....21 Questions Successful Parents Ask Themselves
Ed Wimberly, author of Parenting with an Attitude....21 Questions Successful Parents Ask Themselves
Monday, July 20, 2009
An excerpt from Parenting with an Attitude....21 Questions Successful Parents Ask Themselves
What do my kids hear me say about them?
"It is inevitable that the expectations we have for our kids will be their first and most significant road map for developing a sense of who they are and what they have to offer the world. Having absorbed what they have observed, heard and concluded about what we expect them to be, they then set out in life to perpetuate what they heard about themselves as kids. This in large part, is how personality develops.
Since childhood patterns-both healthy and unhealthy-tend
to continue throughout their lives, giving our kids positive and
healthy expectations to live up to is essential. Our words, messages,
and attitudes—as well as our physical expressions—will either
convey messages and expectations that will shape, mold and
encourage them to think well of themselves, or contribute to their
becoming self-doubting adults who are less prepared to deal with
life and the struggles that will come their way from time to time."
Ed Wimberly, author of Parenting with an Attitude....21 Questions Successful Parents Ask Themselves
Discussion Questions:
1. What is one message you consistently heard as a child that you
are either living up to, or down to?
2. In what way does that early childhood message you heard affect
you today?
3. What are some of the messages you are sending your kids
that are shaping and influencing their conclusions regarding
themselves?
4. What is the most common message your kids hear from you
regarding them?
5. What affect does that message currently seem to be having on
them?
6. How is that consistent message from you likely shaping how
they will be as adults?
"It is inevitable that the expectations we have for our kids will be their first and most significant road map for developing a sense of who they are and what they have to offer the world. Having absorbed what they have observed, heard and concluded about what we expect them to be, they then set out in life to perpetuate what they heard about themselves as kids. This in large part, is how personality develops.
Since childhood patterns-both healthy and unhealthy-tend
to continue throughout their lives, giving our kids positive and
healthy expectations to live up to is essential. Our words, messages,
and attitudes—as well as our physical expressions—will either
convey messages and expectations that will shape, mold and
encourage them to think well of themselves, or contribute to their
becoming self-doubting adults who are less prepared to deal with
life and the struggles that will come their way from time to time."
Ed Wimberly, author of Parenting with an Attitude....21 Questions Successful Parents Ask Themselves
Discussion Questions:
1. What is one message you consistently heard as a child that you
are either living up to, or down to?
2. In what way does that early childhood message you heard affect
you today?
3. What are some of the messages you are sending your kids
that are shaping and influencing their conclusions regarding
themselves?
4. What is the most common message your kids hear from you
regarding them?
5. What affect does that message currently seem to be having on
them?
6. How is that consistent message from you likely shaping how
they will be as adults?
A Monday morning thought for good parents who want to be better parents
“Kids who are motivated and shaped by guilt are more likely to be parents later on who are easily manipulated by the use of guilt by their own kids.”
Ed Wimberly, author of Parenting with an Attitude....21 Questions Successful Parents Ask Themselves
Ed Wimberly, author of Parenting with an Attitude....21 Questions Successful Parents Ask Themselves
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
A Monday morning thought for good parents who want to be better parents
“In spite of our determination to avoid repeating the mistakes our parents made with us, we may still be influenced by them in our parenting efforts with our kids today.”
Ed Wimberly, Ph.D., author of Parenting With An Attitude....21 Questions Successful Parents Ask Themselves
Ed Wimberly, Ph.D., author of Parenting With An Attitude....21 Questions Successful Parents Ask Themselves
guest authors
So Busy Parenting we Forget to Love and Cherish our Children
by Stephen Frueh, Ph.D.
Parenting is way of life. It demands consistent consciousness and attentiveness. There’s safety, health, learning, relationships, play – all needing our guidance and focus. We want a lot for these little people who are on the way to taking their place in the world’s scheme of things.
Our own ‘tween’ delights, confounds, amazes and enchants daily. She’s clearly becoming a force, a ‘future’ woman in whom it is not difficult to see the early outlines – the promise of beauty, intelligence and craft of her coming full maturity.
We work hard to ‘be there’ for her. We work to supply the necessary substance for school, music lessons, sports, clothes and so on. We work equally as hard at tuning into her needs. She needs a good ear available, needs inspiration for her need for continuity with her music and other projects. She needs guidance in the many challenges of peers, challenges of usage of time, challenges of fitness and health.
All this takes a lot of energy and we recently have been talking about missing ‘lap time.’ Here’s a story. I’m a marriage coach. The other day I was invited to sit with a family of four – mother, father and two early teenage girls. There was a great deal of anger and misunderstanding. Some shouting. Plenty of defensiveness. A little scolding. Everybody was scolding everybody else.
As they worked through the many challenges things calmed down. The father motioned to his daughter to come over and sit on his lap. She did. As soon as that happened the other daughter was invited by the mother to sit on her lap. Soon we were all full of tears of gratitude.
It wasn’t hard to see that a good part of the tension, the anger and frustration, was related to a longing for closeness. Their upper middle class lives are full of demands. It’s easy to miss the simplest need to be touched, held, seen, loved.
Cherishing our children takes as much attentiveness as seeing that their homework is done and their teeth are brushed. And, if you’re worried about peer influence taking them in the ‘wrong’ direction, focus on spending some close unfettered time (no radio, no ipod, no tv) with them. Focus on offering a lap, a hug or even a simple caress on the cheek. It works wonders for everyone in the family.
Stephen W. Frueh PhD is the author of With These Rings and From Marginal to Magnificent: How to Make your Marriage Sing (August 2009). He is coach for couples who want to realize the full possibilities of their marriage. Stephen also is a leadership coach working with business leaders and executive teams to fully realize their potential.
stephen@stephenfrueh.com
http://www.marriageconversation.com/
805 338 4286
You may reprint and use this article freely. Just attribute it correctly. Thanks.
by Stephen Frueh, Ph.D.
Parenting is way of life. It demands consistent consciousness and attentiveness. There’s safety, health, learning, relationships, play – all needing our guidance and focus. We want a lot for these little people who are on the way to taking their place in the world’s scheme of things.
Our own ‘tween’ delights, confounds, amazes and enchants daily. She’s clearly becoming a force, a ‘future’ woman in whom it is not difficult to see the early outlines – the promise of beauty, intelligence and craft of her coming full maturity.
We work hard to ‘be there’ for her. We work to supply the necessary substance for school, music lessons, sports, clothes and so on. We work equally as hard at tuning into her needs. She needs a good ear available, needs inspiration for her need for continuity with her music and other projects. She needs guidance in the many challenges of peers, challenges of usage of time, challenges of fitness and health.
All this takes a lot of energy and we recently have been talking about missing ‘lap time.’ Here’s a story. I’m a marriage coach. The other day I was invited to sit with a family of four – mother, father and two early teenage girls. There was a great deal of anger and misunderstanding. Some shouting. Plenty of defensiveness. A little scolding. Everybody was scolding everybody else.
As they worked through the many challenges things calmed down. The father motioned to his daughter to come over and sit on his lap. She did. As soon as that happened the other daughter was invited by the mother to sit on her lap. Soon we were all full of tears of gratitude.
It wasn’t hard to see that a good part of the tension, the anger and frustration, was related to a longing for closeness. Their upper middle class lives are full of demands. It’s easy to miss the simplest need to be touched, held, seen, loved.
Cherishing our children takes as much attentiveness as seeing that their homework is done and their teeth are brushed. And, if you’re worried about peer influence taking them in the ‘wrong’ direction, focus on spending some close unfettered time (no radio, no ipod, no tv) with them. Focus on offering a lap, a hug or even a simple caress on the cheek. It works wonders for everyone in the family.
Stephen W. Frueh PhD is the author of With These Rings and From Marginal to Magnificent: How to Make your Marriage Sing (August 2009). He is coach for couples who want to realize the full possibilities of their marriage. Stephen also is a leadership coach working with business leaders and executive teams to fully realize their potential.
stephen@stephenfrueh.com
http://www.marriageconversation.com/
805 338 4286
You may reprint and use this article freely. Just attribute it correctly. Thanks.
Monday, July 6, 2009
A Monday morning thought for good parents who want to be better parents
"Raising kids who are self-confident and free of chronic, self destructive anger requires that we start encouraging them from the beginning of their lives to be independent and self reliant" Excerpt from Parenting with an Attitude.......21 Questions SuccessfulParents Askscss ask themselves
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
